If you read my blog regularly-ish then you may have seen my post about a non literal fork. Well I found my fork, but did I find myself?
I had grand plans for 2015, and boy was I excited. The possibilities were infinite! And almost overwhelming. But more importantly, infinite. And as my self imposed deadline approached, I started to feel things. Excitement. Anxiety. Depression. Impatience. More excitement, followed by dread. Quiet nervousness. Desire for conflicting things. But mostly the excitement thing.
There has been a lot of inner turmoil to say the least.
So when I got a phone call that drastically altered my current options and my idea of the future simultaneously, I pursued it. Because after all, a big component of my grand 2015 plans was the desperate need for change.
I was stuck in a rut of unknowable proportions, and that one phone call was my tow chain out.
So in my pursuit of change, I have been incredibly successful. My career is thriving, which is what altered my plans to begin with. I found my fork and I think I chose wisely.
My choices the last few months have had a snowball effect though. Not only did I make a big life change (that whole career thing), but I've made loads of small ones leading up to this. I changed phone carriers, canceled a credit card with an unruly company and replaced it for one with better bonuses, ended a situation that I wasn't committed to, reconnected with some great people, and recommitted myself to travel. I also released myself of responsibility for things I cannot control, forgave myself for past mistakes, and became Switzerland in situations I cannot avoid.
I've been busy!
In all of this change I've started to reevaluate who I am. Turns out I'm a lot of things, most of them awesome (in my totally unbiased opinion of course). But if anyone is going to think I'm awesome, shouldn't it be me? Self worth and love are important. I'm really starting to discover myself in a way I never imagined. I'm resolving all the unresolved feelings I've kept hidden all these years while trying to seem strong and unbreakable.
But I am breakable. And I have feelings. After dealing with all that, I know what I want now. The whirlwind of change has actually brought me clarity, once I started to pay attention to that sneaky brain of mine. It's actually quite refreshing. I'm done playing by everyone else's rules, so it's time to put myself first and tear down anything standing in the way of my life rebuild. But I'm human, so naturally what I want is random and complex.
I am a woman of complicated and conflicting desires. I want both adventure and stability. I want all the fun and quiet nights in my own space. I want more outdoor activities and more hammock naps. I want travel and an excellent career. I want love and freedom. I want a lot of things but I want to go to bed happy every night too.
But most of all, I want my life's stories to be worth a book.